Thoughts

So I am thinking about what do I want and how do I want to get there!! I am thinking about being in a relationship and the thing that goes through my head is I need a job so that I can take care of me and my kids first!! Now not only that but be able to manage myself. Is this a wrong to be thinking? I dont think so!! I think that if I am  finical stable for myself that I would be ready for a relationship. I have no clue why that is but that is the way I am thinking right now!!

Dream and what I got out of it

I had a dream that was weird to me but as I was thinking about it I think I got it.

SO here goes:

I started out having a baby boy and named him Jack William Montemayor (I know weird). Well I had my other two kids with me and taking Orlando to school and staying with him and doing everything I do now but with a baby with me. at one point I saw my sister and she was having empty nest syndrome, and told her that I was not going to let the father know about the child and that if she wanted him she could adopt him. She said yes so I kept the baby for some reason and doing everything I do now like go to my sons class doing work and etc.... while I was at school with my sons I would take Jack out and change his diaper but leave for some reason and realize I left him and came back and he was hurt. And then I did something else and he would get hurt again. and that kept happening and I said he was fine and I would put my attention to something else with this baby with me who is hurt and hurt badly and said he is fine. I realized that there was a cut long and deep in his chest, broken arm and really bad cuts and bruises on his face. (I would be in trouble if this was real). and people would talk to me and ask how is the baby and i would look down and say fine but knowing I need to attend to his needs, but never did. And when the wounds were really bad and I realized that I woke up in a frighten state.

Now I was thinking about it and was scared and its weird to me. But I know it means something but what??? I know nothing about reading dreams but I was thinking and thinking some more and it hit me like a ton of bricks.

what if the the baby was a metaphor in my dream of me and what I am doing in life... Giving to others and others needs and never taking time to take care of my self on an emotional level. And all the physical injures were my spiritual wounds. If I keep giving myself like I do I may actually kill my spirit. That I need to make sure my spirit is being healed as I go as well. I need to take time for me?! I may ask for help but never take it and I need to. I need to ask and use the help that I need to keep me alive. This what I got.

I may look up somethings and write more later but I wanted to share this. 

Class time!!!

So I been sitting in my sons classroom to help with his behavior in the class he been having melt downs everyday and sent home. I am waiting to get things straighten out to help him. He is on medicine to help him through the day but it only helps so much!!! He has a great teacher one that takes no crap but stands her grounds!! I am hoping this impacts Orlandos learning and behavior in class!! Now if only we get things going for him!!

Wow a week has gone by and I have lots on my mind. If I could just spill them all out in the air so that I would feel fine and get the things done. I am battling  a lot of emotions with everything that is around me. I feel like my foundation is being put to the test and my life is changing and that is a good thing. I accept change but at times I dont always embrace it and that is the hardest part in life. But I know when it all over I can say look I made it through and life is good. I have felt great this past week its been great. But Friday was rough day felling like I missed many opportunities and did not live up to what I know what to do in life and that is hard. I never want someone ever see me as a problem but as a solution in life, I know serving others is my calling and helping out is what makes me fill complete but its hard when I know I need someone like myself to help out I know its there I just have to see it and look at the fog but look at things around me. I know I will be fine it always works out. I know I have not made the best decisions but I know I have had time to think about them and know I have fixed or got through them the best that I can.

I know that I cant not worry about others and what they choice and I should not worry as much as I do but I have always been that way and I am a personable type of person. I cant change who I am!!! I do know what the cost is when that happens but its hard when I never say anything and another person say that of the bat what does that mean? That they feel like they can be may friend but cant cause of the rule they play in life at this moment? Or is there more to this and I cant see it or am I reading more into it then I should!! I know I read more into things at time, but this is hard not too. This person is actually my age and I like the fact that they are just as thick skin and hard headed as I am!! Dont meet many people like that. I dont meet many people that I meet and would like to be friends with off the bat!! And this person is just like that!!! I would love to be friends and say hey would you like to go out for coffee? I would love to get to know them more and more even if they are struggling with being my friend.
 Such my luck at this point but we will see what happens in the end!! Cause the rule that this person plays is only for a little while!!!

I am ready for life to get easier but I heard some worth wild words "If it gets easier then life its self is not worth living cause you most likely gave up." Never thought of it like that!!Well as I have life in front of me and as the challenges come my way may I make friends that last as long as it could and just maybe I will find someone who is willing to put up with me!!!







My friends words:
"ah, those amazing moments when you feel the blood pulsating in the tips of your fingers and right behind your ears. and you want it to just spill out into sticky puddles of all the things even words on paper cannot say. in this second (righteous) feelings resume of murderous ambitions and a sloppy exuberance for life. oh, to lick the stars in dreams and eat dirt in waking hours. to partake of all this existence has to offer; be it lovely or infected. this is destruction and peace. finest times."
Sara Nagle

Thinking

After all that is going on in life the good, the bad and the ugly. I been thinking of things that I would love to see in  my life such as

                      Someone who is willing to challenge me as I am to them
                      someone who is willing to have a conversation about life as it is and the future that is at hand.
                      someone who is a part of my life and I can be part of theirs

I want someone who respects what I say and not twist my words and understands where I am going and what I like and how to make life as joyous as possible and make sure our needs our met. Someone who is willing to love my kids unconditionally. 

A conversation with a 1st grader

I am now attending my sons class daily to help him with his day. Well this is my second week and I was helping the kids with some if their math they were doing Algebra in the first grade very basic but still algebra. So I was helping them while the teacher was testing the kids on their reading and comprehension. So the problem read like this 5+ (picture of boat) = 12 ; or 5 + n=12 well I would have done it this way but its cause I been in math for so long lol.

5 +n =12
-5      -5
n = 12 - 5
n= 7

But this was not how it was to be done lol!!

Anyways, I was helping this one kid with his work and out of the blue this is a conversation I had with him. We will call him Billy Bob Joe:

Billy Bob Joe: "Do you have a girlfriend?"
Me: "No"
Billy Bob Joe: " Are you a boy or a girl?"
Me: "Girl"
Billy Bob Joe: "Oh sorry, do you have a boyfriend?"
Me: "No, but its ok to ask questions and not know the answer or be surprised about it."

I started to laugh inside cause the kid was confused at first. I wanted to say more but did not want to start a up roar in the class or for the teacher cause I talked to the kid about who I am. But it was great to see his mind working cause I did not skip a beat on answering his questions and I showed no care in what he thought was a mistake. Which its not a mistake its more curiosity then anything. Which is fine this is when the kids need to learn to accept others for whatever reason.

Then later on they were watching Marching of the Penguin and the L word came up yes you know the word "LOVE" and just how the teacher explained it was great. The penguins choice who they love and that is just how they do it they love who they love and no other penguin will interfere cause they have only one partner.  It was great cause she was trying to be politically correct with me in the room but I dont care how anything is really said as long as its all convulsive to everyone and not just singling a group out.

But its been a great adventure to figure things out for my son and its been great seeing his school trying their best to keep him there and helping as much to make a day a successful day for him and that is to stay in school without sending him home. Up for a challenge but ready for a break. I am getting old and slower or is it because I am trying to hard and working to much? Only one can tell is me and I am not sure about it at times. Well that was my day in a nut shell!!!

 

End of 2011

                                         26 December 2011 At Knotts Berry Farm End of 2011

       I am on my own and have my kids during the week and loving every moment with them trying to make the best out of things and live life to the fullest. My unexpected life is that I am what you say "out of the closet," I made a choice in May of 2010 to stop pretending who I am and live life cause its short. The choice I made was the choice of lying to myself and trying to make a a square piece to fit in a round hole. this is just an FYI for many people.

      My Children are growing you can tell by the picture. My daughter is 9 and my son is 7 years old great joys in my life. I have been running into hurdles in life with the kids but they are getting taking care of as the days goes by. I have a loving caring daughter who loves to give if she can and loves being around people who make her laugh and have good old times. She has her girlie things that she wants me to do and I do my best we all know how girlie I am and has ever been. but I would love to teach my daughter the things I have seen and my sisters have learned its just hard for me cause I am not that girlie.

        My son is great he is reading 2nd or third grade easy chapter books as he thinks its a great thing which I encourage him to do to help keep his mind strong. We have had many turns with my son and finding out there is more to who is and how to help him be successful. My son is ADHD which is not bad at all. I have fun with him at times and its a great thing to just let loose and have fun with him. But there are other things we are trying to get him tested for cause the traditional classroom is not a great environment for him. If I could or even felt that I could I might home school him but I feel I cant and its not the academic part that he needs help with its social skills which I also have a hard time dealing with at times. But in the end my boy is a great gift and blessing to me.


       So life goes on and this is The Montemayor Family!!!

Unexpected Life of me

I want to start a year and try to log events or things I have done with my kids for friends and family to see if they so choice. I am not a writer and I dont always have something to say but I wanted to start something that my children may be able to come back and read at a later day and see the different things we have done in life.